Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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