Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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