Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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