I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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