If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
