Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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