im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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