Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
