thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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