He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
