I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
