Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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