remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
