Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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