I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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