Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
