first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
