plz talk dirty to me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
