wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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