i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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