Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
