Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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