I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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