Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
