i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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