if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
