and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we're making bets on your personal life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
