1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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