I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He has the fingertips of a God
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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