Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
