My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
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5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
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We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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