3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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