My cat gives me a boner
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
