There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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