i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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