Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
