I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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