Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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