Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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