John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Floor bacon is actually really good
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
