Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
