Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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