i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
