Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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