I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
