i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
