just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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