there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
