Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
