Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
