i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
