Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
