the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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