Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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