I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
