I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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