my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
