What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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