All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
