If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
