Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
