i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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